My Baby 4 was a good nurser, and I thought I had finally figured it out. Now I knew how to nurse. Now postpartums wouldn't be terrible, if I had any more.
Baby 5 was a terrible nurser. It was, to understate, disappointing. He was sleepy and mean and I was miserable, so miserable that I got desperate enough to revisit Kellymom.
I don't understand Kellymom. I don't know if there is a real person named Kelly. I don't know why Kelly, if she exists, is qualified to be the person about whom people always ask, "Did you check Kellymom?" when you mention a nursing problem. I only know that Kellymom has been around for a fairly long time (I'm pretty sure I learned about Kellymom during Boob Hell actual, which was 9 years ago), and that Kellymom is some kind of online hippie den (it's OK, some of my best friends are hippies), and that the site is finally looking a little more up to date than it was even at the time of my Baby 5 consultation.
So anyway, finding myself in Boob Purgatory following the (admittedly un-ideal) birth of my FIFTH freakin kid, I went to Kellymom, and this is what she had for me: rebirthing. Rebirthing. And honestly, people, I was and remain at a loss. What could Kellymom possibly mean by this? I mean, the explanation is there in my first language and I understand the vocabulary and the syntax. But I do not understand how anyone can take this magnitude of absurdity seriously. Who is going to call bullshirt on this kind of thing?
I guess I am. Bullshirt. Rebirthing is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard of. Two people in a warm bath is not in any way like the birth of a human being, even if that birth takes place in a warm bath. Maybe (?) nursing in a warm bath would help with nursing problems, but a warm bath is all it would be. It would not be the counterfactual you have designated "rebirthing." Desperate as I was at that time in my life, and still feeling victimized and guilty in the aftermath of my ridiculous fifth delivery during which I missed my opportunity to initiate nursing immediately following the baby's birth, I could not be mind-tricked into this one.
The emperor, he is naked, and Kellymom, you are too, but I guess you and your devotees do that on purpose. I'm only judging it when it surpasses eccentric and achieves willfully stupid.